Anyone who knows me well enough to know that I'm insane, may also know a thing or two about my keyboarding habits. This morning, however, I have adopted a new keyboarding cause: One that doesn't require the months of nonsense re-training to which I submitted as part of that ridiculous Dvorak transition. (Now I can't even use a normal keyboard! What the hell was I thinking?!)

Anyway... what was I saying? Oh, right, Down with the Caps Lock!

I feel that in this age of ever smaller devices and more numerous young, impressionable technology users, removal of the Caps Lock key has become essential. I was surprised to learn that there are even other, almost well-spoken people who agree with me. My argument for the erradication of this scourge is as follows:

First, I contend that the current placement and use of Caps Lock (from here-on refered to as "CL" or "Key-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named") impedes progress. Countless moments of my day are spent switching back and forth between CL and un-CL modes; accidentally typing important emails to company executives in ALL CAPS, or worse, rEVERSE cAPS, like some ludicrous eleven-year-old chat room troll. (i aM teH mOsT L337, bITcHEz!) Even if the time spent correcting these errors is insignificant, I'm sure my thousands of dollars and countless hours spent in therapy will be a drag on the economy.

Secondly, the CL is much too large and prominent a key for such a non-purpose. It's size on most keyboards is nearly that of the carriage return - nearly triple that of the most-often-used letter E. Even more space is devoted to the lighted indication of the computers CL status, as if to tell you whether your computer is set to insane mode or not. On machines with shrinking form factors, this ¾-inches squared will become a highly prized chunk of real estate, selling for many times the per-area price Branjelina's next mansion. I, for one, am not at all prepared to ignore any cause competing with their brand of highly-focused adoption-based philanthropy.

Third, and perhaps most importantly, we must consider the children. We cannot leave the CL in easy reach of pre-pubecsent numbnuts filling the internet with evidence of an eternal September, much like the first leaves of autumn indicate an impending nuclear winter. (OMFG DUDE U R TEH N00B!!!) And with such easy access to such a dangerous key, comes accidental usage. Just this morning I was greeted with an unintentionally rude "HEY, WHAT'S UP?" One accidental CL depression changed it from genuine interest in my life to an aggressive query of just what my problem is when I did not, in fact, even have a problem. All of this confusion could have been avoided with a small bit of cooperation from the world's computer manufacturers.

So this is my plea to you, remove the Key-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! Tape over it, rip it off, reprogram it! Do it for the children.